Be thankful!

It’s the holiday season and I don’t think I’ve ever been this thankful in my entire life. One of the things that the past year has taught me, is that you don’t know what you had, until you lose it. I ended up feeling very much alone last year. Thanksgiving was difficult. We had always spent Thanksgiving with families for the past few years but last year, things were different. Sure, I had friends to celebrate it with but, something was missing. I was so immersed in my alcohol that I didn’t really realize the things that I had to be thankful for. I had a roof over my head, albeit, it was my friends place but it was still a roof. My kids were healthy. I was doing well in school. I had a great group of friends. In short, everything looked great on the outside. I had tons to be thankful for! On the inside though, not so much, I was slowly rotting away on the inside.
I had a place that I was paying for sporadically. I had child support but I spent a good chunk of change on alcohol. My kids were nowhere near healthy. They got chronic colds and ear infections due to the enormous amount of stress that they were feeling from the situation that I had put them in. I was doing well in school….and I was flying by the seat of my pants. I still don’t remember how I got such good grades when I was half tanked the majority of the time. I turned assignments in late, often blaming the fact that I was going through a rough divorce on my inability to turn things in on time. I had friends. Friends that I never called back. Friends whose text messages I ignored. Friends who I took advantage of. I was a downright cruddy friend.
The “me” that I portrayed was made to look like I had everything under control, all the while, managing to lie my butt off to anyone and everyone who mattered. I was waist deep in my addiction at this point. On Thanksgiving, I got into a horrible fight with my then separated husband. From what I remember, I was angry that he didn’t have the day off because that was what was agreed in the custody agreement. The situation was simple and something that we had done a million times: You have to pick a holiday that you want off, getting both is near impossible, regardless of your custody situation. That is just the way that the military works and I knew that. I was just too selfish to care. I’m still not impressed with myself for that, but past regret isn’t something that God wants us to hold on to.
Christmas was a nightmare, oh gosh, it was bad. I was on winter break, which made it harder on me. I was used to my kids being gone for the majority of the day and only seeing them after 5:00 in the evening. So having them home all day wasn’t something that I was prepared for. I had to put a halt on my drinking which was near impossible, and I went into a bad withdrawal period. I was sick for weeks, developed migraines, and was just downright miserable to be around. Enter the husband, trying to help cheer me up for the holiday season. I didn’t know why all of a sudden he was being nice to me because to me, it was out of character. In the real world, it wasn’t out of character at all. This was his way of trying to make sure that I had a good Christmas, even though we had had such a rough couple of months, he still cared enough to try to make me happy. Looking back on it now, it brings me to tears because I treated him HORRIBLY. He ended up getting out of work late on Christmas Eve and was late picking up the kids.
I was furious. It was bad enough that everyone else I knew had plans, but to have him be late was the icing on the cake. I remember him offering for me to come to his place, the look on his face was that of someone who was desperate. He was still really trying, even though I was being absolutely appalling to him. He ended up leaving after I assured him that I would be fine, and that I was tired and going to go to bed early anyway. I remembered some of the manners that my parents had taught me and thanked him. He left, reluctantly, and as I watched him leave, I burst into tears. It hurt. It hurt so much. I was alone on Christmas Eve, the one night that no one should be alone. It was of my own making but I couldn’t suck up my pride and just accept his invitation. Instead, I went out and bought a bottle of wine that had the most alcohol content, and plunked my ass in my comfy leather chair. :The one piece of furniture that I had in my living room.: The one place that I felt that I could be myself and I just bawled my eyes out.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to sit and wallow, so, I did. I ended up waking up sometime in the middle of the night after watching “Warm Bodies” and I just stared at the Christmas tree that he had bought us. I wondered where it all went wrong, and for the first time in years, I couldn’t place where it had. Instead, I just stared at the lights until they became blurry little blobs. I’m fairly certain that I passed out from exhaustion after that. I had developed a migraine due to the amount of water that I’d cried out and the amount of alcohol that I consumed wasn’t helping either.
I woke up Christmas morning, head pounding, dry mouthed, and still feeling like shit about myself. Nothing had changed. My attitude was the same. I was still miserable. I should have taken a long look at myself. I should have gone to a Christmas mass. I should have done a lot of things but I didn’t. Instead, I sat there on my chair, wallowing like a hippo in a mud bath. Christmas sucked last year and it was my fault. I didn’t take any responsibility for my actions or my contribution to making it worse. That all changed this year.
This year, things are going to be a lot different. I’m so much more thankful for my life now. I wouldn’t be where I am right now without God. He has done so much for me. I promised myself that I would make this holiday season something to remember and I plan on it. My family is together for the holidays this year and I couldn’t be more thankful.
I hope that everyone has a blessed holiday and that no one repeats my absolutely horrid actions of last year. It was a complete waste of time and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to my amazing husband and my wonderful kids.
God bless!